Doing the doing

A while ago, I made a CD I called Recess for the Soul. My purpose in putting it together was to demonstrate to myself and my listeners how one could explore one's own inner dialog through the lens of play.

There's a story on the CD called: Hide and Seek: Serious and Silly Find God. In the imaginary game between these two imaginary characters, I found myself trying to understand what they saw in this particularly endless game of hide and seek that they played together - what was so fun or significant or wonderful about the game that made them want to play it over and over again. At the end of the story, I imagined myself asking them those very questions. When I did, "...they started running after me, yelling 'You're IT.'" I, of course, ran away as fast as I possibly could.

I called this story "Serious and Silly Find God," because what I learned from my imaginary playmates was what I had known all along - that there was really only one player in my inner playground. The rest I was imagining into being. Everything. Silly. Serious. The whole darn playground. On my inner playground, I am IT.

This was a big lesson to me. One of those simple truths that you know all along but are transformed by every time you rediscover it. In my inner playground, I am the only unimagined player. I am the one that's doing all the playing.

Every addiction I have ever had - food, sex, drugs, love, recognition, security - everything I've ever done to myself or for myself, I am the one doing the doing, if you know what I mean. I am the one playing angel and devil, the one who makes himself eat more than he should, the one who shouldn't, the one who eats anyway.

What started me thinking about all this again was a conversation I had with my daughter-in-law. We were talking about how we, who can do such good things for ourselves and others, sometimes do things that aren't good, for ourselves, for others.

We talked about the choice between good and evil, two conflicting "inclinations," which, according to Jewish tradition are fundamental to the gift of free will. And I found myself trying to explain what I had learned in my Inner Playground - that I could find no angels or devils making me do evil or good. That whatever I found myself doing to myself, it was I who was doing the doing. And I could imagine myself have great, deep fun doing it with myself together!

I was amazed to rediscover how fundamental that simple truth has become to my understanding of who I am, and how. In my Inner Playground, I am the one making up all the games. I am the one pretending to be each of the players.

There's a lot more to be learned on the Inner Playground. A lot of fun to be had. Truth to be told. Healing to be done.

Enjoy yourselves, whatever you imagine them to be.

from Bernie DeKoven, funsmith