Sober Doesn't Mean Somber

 

Fun is a funny thing.

The closest anybody has come to defining fun is a psychologist named Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Honestly. From the University of Chicago. Author of numerous books, even.

Csikszentmihalyi, being a psychologist, couldn't admit to the fact that he was studying something as silly as "fun," so he called the subject of his research "enjoyment." It sounded more psychological. Then he called it "Flow." It sounded deeper. But fun is really what he was all about.

Csikszentmihalyi was thinking especially about people like rock-climbers and bungee-jumpers and sky-divers - people who risk their lives, who, without prizes or trophies or even a news reporter present, strain and dangle and fall - all for the fun of it.

Which started him thinking about other people who maybe don't risk their lives, but also, without reward or recognition, spend significant effort and no small sums of cash for no apparent reason other than the fun of it all: rock dancers, crossword puzzle-solvers, skateboarders, yodelers.

So he asked around. "What do you get out of this bizarre and rationally unjustifiable behavior"" he asked. "What," he asked the extreme sportsters, do you get that's worth your very life and limb?" "What," he asked the amateur dabblers, "do you get from pursuing these apparently pointless and clearly unprofitable activities?"

And the exciting thing, the unexpected thing was that they all gave pretty much the same answers.

When they talked about the fun of the thing, whatever thing it was they were doing to have fun, they would say things like:

"I feel more alive. More focused. More in harmony. More at peace. More deeply involved. More profoundly engaged. I feel at one: At one with myself. At one with the things I'm doing. At one with the people I'm doing the things with."

Crossword puzzlers, snow boarders, solitaire players, dirt bikers - no matter how physical or mental the engagement, all reported the same experience. The fun thing they do, when they do it right, gets them in the flow, in the zone, in harmony, in the state of mind and body where they are completely at one, complete.

It can be any game, really, any sport or activity that you do for fun. And you don't have to look for the perfect game or sport to find it.

Csikszentmihalyi used two dimensions to plot the "flow" experience. One is the degree of challenge, the other, the amount of abilities engaged. No matter how great or slight the challenge, as long as it is the kind of challenge in which we can completely engage ourselves, we will have fun. If we can't get involved enough, we get bored. If the challenge is too difficult, no matter how much we try to engage ourselves, we get anxious.

The freeing thing about this insight is the discovery that every fun game or activity offers us wide a range of challenges. That we can pretty much determine for ourselves how much of a challenge we want to take on.

The first time you jump into a swimming pool, for example, you're probably already too anxious to experience anything flowlike. Especially when you don't know how deep or how cold the water will be. And even more especially when you don't know how to swim.

You go to the shallowest end. Gently, you let yourself in (at the lower end of your abilities). Next thing you know, you're merrily splishing and splashing, trying to impossibly run from one side to the other, and flow is definitely what you are in.

Until you just get tired of it all. There's still both splish and splash, but you're bored. And it's not so fun. The very same water. And yet, no flow.

Until some chemically-encoded perversity takes hold, and you decide to get your head wet. Instant anxiety, and yet, a whole new world of challenge.

And so on, and so on, challenge by challenge, stroke by stroke, between boredom and anxiety, you wiggle your way into the deeper and colder and more swiftly flowing waters, where the challenges become profound and the demand absolute. And so you grow, from wader to diver, from mystery to mastery, learning, extending your abilities. As you challenge yourself more, you grow more, evolving ever more complex sets of skills and sensitivities, becoming an ever more complete human being.

Until, for the fun of it, you decide you just want to float on your back, or get out of the pool and see how long you can lie in the sun, doing nothing.

Like I said earlier, fun is a funny thing. It's totally unimportant, and completely life restoring. It is a trivial thing, the kind of things kids do all the time, and it can get you higher than the most powerful drink or exotic drug.

Like I said even earlier, sober doesn't mean somber.

You can find fun almost anywhere, almost any time, with almost anyone you happen to be with.

It's easiest to find it in those activities you do for fun, in the things you do simply because you want to. Playing a game of solitaire, for example. You can increase the challenge by playing a game you've never tried before, or playing two games simultaneously, or playing against a timer. Cooking, for another example. You can increase the challenge by trying a new recipe. You can increase it even more by creating your own recipe. You can increase the challenge still more by inviting a friend, or a family or the whole neighborhood. Or, you can decrease the challenge, and order a pizza.

It's a bit more difficult to find fun in those activities you absolutely have to do. But there's always the opportunity to increase or decrease the challenge. Even in an AA meeting. You can take the stage. You can tell your story in more detail, with deeper insight and honesty. You can lead a discussion. You can invite your family or friends or boss. You can listen harder. Exercise your compassion and understanding more deeply.

The key is not to challenge yourself too much or too little, but enough to engage yourself as fully as you need to be engaged to get in the flow. To stay on this side of anxiety and the other side of boredom. To bring fun to your life and the lives of those you touch.

 

If you are ready to embrace fun again, please consider experiencing DeepFUN.